In Costume

In Costume
(With apologies to Dorothy Parker)

A usually empty warehouse right off the New Rochelle coast trumpeted with life; light beams strobed out the windows, reflecting off the water and the empty dock (inside off the masked characters). Costumed personas, liquored to capacity, concealing something from everyone all for a good time to celebrate “All Hallows Eve” a week and a half before it dawns, twisted to the Monster Mash. A pretty anti-Halloween-ite – as some called her – dressed in a mere set of bunny ears with a bunny tail, just to play along. Her friends were dressed head to toe.

“I absolutely adore your costume,” she said. “How did you ever manage such a splendid idea like that? If you look around the room dear, everyone is wearing the same thing. Now, how did you ever become so clever to come up with that outfit?”

“It was hardly a thing,” her friend said. “It took me all but two minutes.”

“Now dear, how do you stay so humble?” She said. “It’s pretty obvious that your costume is by far the best. I’d be absolutely surprised love, if they didn’t nominate you number one this evening. Just terribly stunned.”

“You think so?” Her friend said.

“Why dear, I understand the lights are pretty bright in here,” she said, “and the music is exceptionally loud tonight, but you don’t need to be the smartest to see your costume is just darling. Have the men been swooning over you yet dear? Now, I’d imagine they have by now. I couldn’t imagine why they haven’t so.”

“No, not really,” her friend said “but I can’t tell what many of them look like, now with their costumes and all.”

“Well dear, it’s only a matter of time now,” she said. “Keep smiling because at any second darling, they’ll be hounding you like vultures on a carcass; like flies on a steak, love. Especially when they see you’ve got the best costume. I can’t see why they wouldn’t.”

“Well thanks,” her friend said, “I think your costume is just darling too.”

"Oh, please, these old rags?” She laughed. “I’m not much for these party things anyhow. My darling ‘ole husband, now he wouldn’t even come. Do you believe that dear? Why, I’m surprised I even came here alone! Simply out of respect for the Johnson’s, you hear. And to find lil ‘ole you a nice gentleman. And this is most certainly the place for that. Don’t you think so dear?”

“Now that’s quite alright,” her friend said, “I don’t even know an-“

“Now you delicate thing, don’t you hush me.” She said, “We are gonna find you somebody tonight. Absolutely! You see that man over near the band with the phantom mask on? You see him don’t you love? Well I noticed him from the moment I walked into this place, darling. He is just so handsome and I’m sure through that mask dear, he is a beautiful man. I just think he’s a little shy, that’s all. Not once tonight have I seen him talking to any woman. Not once, dear.”

“Not once?” Her friend said, “But I don’t kno-”

“Now, did you just see that dear?” She said, “Well, he just nodded right at you; directly at you dear. He’s saying he’s interested. How terrible it would be if you didn’t go dear. Now I think it be best you’d walk right over there and you let him know you want to swing. You know how to swing now, don’t you darling?”

“Of course, but-

“Now dear,” she said, “miss ‘most stunning costume of the night,’ you walk on over there and you show him you can swing! I’ll simply have a ball watching you two swing away, dear. I’d be just smitten. And don’t you worry about lil ‘ole me. Not one second. I’ll have me a drink and just watch you two. Now you go on, before I change my mind!”

She watched her friend gallantly take to the floor towards the phantom near the band. The ice cubes in her drink nearly swallowed up the last of her gin.

“Pardon me sir,” she said, now at the bar, “could you fill me up some gin.”

“Of course ma’am.” The colored man said, “How is your evening going thus far, may I ask?”

“Well, it is quite kind of you to ask, now.” She said, “But I’m not much for celebrating ‘All Hallows Eve,’ I just never was. And

I’m sure you can tell by my costume now, that I just don’t care.”

“I think you look lovely tonight ma’am.” The colored man said.

“Now you are a kind soul, aren’t you?” She said “You see my friend, the woman I was just conversing with, over there swinging with that man, now? You do see her don’t you?”

“Of course, ma’am.” The colored man said, “Beautiful woman, ma’am.”

“She is, aint she?” She said, “But you do see that man now don’t you? The man she is swinging with. The man hiding behind that phantom mask.”

“Certainly, ma’am.” The colored man said.

“Would you believe it,” she said, “that man, that just awful man right there swinging with my friend. Now, could you ever believe that he is my husband, trying to hide his face right behind that mask? Could you ever believe that?”

“He’s your husband ma’am?” The colored man said.

“He most certainly is!” She said, “Every ‘All Hallows Eve’ he does this act. He tells me he aint coming to the party, now. And do you believe this? Every year, he just picks up some random lady and walks right on home with her, while lil ‘ole me just sits around chumming with the crowd. Now, can you believe that? Right in front of my face, as if I would have no idea, now. I tell you sir, my husband, that man hiding right behind that phantom mask, the one swinging with my friend right near the band, he is a cheater, he is a two-timing terrible man, you hear!”

“I’m sorry ma’am.” The colored man said.

“No, no, no!” She said, “Don’t you be sorry! You just do your job sir, and fill me up another gin!”



A story I wrote as similar to Dorothy Parkers writing style as I could.